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im actually very disturbed right now. so disturbed that i can't bring myself to sleep. i don't even know if im feeling angry or deeply sad, or just plain murderous. whatever it is, i'm disturbed.
but beyond this disturbance, i feel somewhat pacified...compared to years ago when i would break my knuckles trying to punch a hole out in a concrete wall...today the poor knuckles just turned red (hehe). i opened up my computer in an attempt to find something to bring down my blood pressure, and then i find myself looking at my archive of pix. yup, that hobby brought about by the invention of digicams (and the recent arrival of a new one...) somehow appeased my soul. suddenly i was reminded of how short life really is.
there are still many places to visit, and memories to capture. i still want to milk the new digicam for all its worth before i get to afford one of my own. i still want to drive...alone with my thoughts or with a friend. i still want to explore manila. i still want to work and earn my money. i still want to go back to bilibid. i still want to celebrate birthdays with friends. i still have dreams to pursue.
a few weeks ago my mom was on a plane bound for cagayan de oro, when minutes before landing they heard a loud sound from one of the plane's wings. mom said that some people were already going to the cockpit to know what was going on but she remained on her seat because she was admiring the clouds. she was looking at those white things in the sky, oblivious to the fact that the plane was going down...and she only noticed that their plane seemed too close to the water when her neck finally got tired. it was then that the pilot announced that they were going for an emergency landing at mactan, cebu.
there was a serious engine trouble. thank God that they all got out of it alive and well. thank God for the nice cloud formations (or so my mom claimed) that mom's attention was diverted. thank God for sparing my mom. (side story: i should've been on that flight with her, but i backed out).
yesterday i found out that our AA school nurse died...my condolences to the Baylon family, especially to my batchmate cecille. i had fond memories with this nurse coz she was the first-ever witness of my affinity with sprains. she was actually the one who suggested that i get my own elastic bandage and sling. haaay. God rest her soul.
i cannot say that i'm no longer angry. in fact, i don't think i will get over this soon. but the fact remains that i can only control myself and my actions. doing anything drastic now may only complicate things and may even start a chain of events that id rather not think about. taking full responsibility for the things that i do makes me think twice about letting that anger eat me up. i still need to know things that i may have overlooked or may have taken the wrong way. i still have to keep my blood pressure normal.
sometimes i wish that i cared less. but the person that i am, at least in my own perspective, cares more that she's required to be. and that's what's been getting me into trouble in the past. and guess what? i never learn.
maybe this happened for a reason...something that evades me now, but will manifest itself in the future. yeah, maybe i'll keep that thought. and maybe, in the next days or so, i won't feel so murderous anymore...i hope.
PS - i had a wonderful weekend. but im so goddamed disturbed that i can't write about it, so that's for next time :)
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