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its nice to have these little, meaningful realizations during my sleepy, less-than-awake-but-still-conscious moments at night before i go to sleep. i usually spend this time alone in the quietness of the laundry area (oo na weird na, pero kasi naman may space issues...oh well) of the condo, where the air is cool and things are still. a fitting ending for a very active day.
anyway, i just remembered this conversation i had with my friend cza a few months ago, back when i was letting out a lot of my pent-up emotions at that time. tonight, among any other nights, i realized...that i've started to let go. hindi na ako galit. my self-imposed strategy has done wonders to my over-active mind. its refreshing to feel that the anger is gone. as cza said, it will come when im ready. everything will fall into place when the time is right. i've unconsciously taken the first step to achieve the balance that i lost many months ago. am i ready? maybe i am. scratch that...yes i am.
maybe the forgiveness will come next. i don't know, and i don't want to think about it yet. im taking it one step at a time. finally being able to let go of the anger is such a big leap, at least for me.
hindi na ako galit, oo, pero hindi ko magagawang lumimot. "forgive and learn" has always been my take on this. hey, im human. i won't try to be a saint here. i was hurt really bad, pissed off big time, and like hell i was betrayed. deciding to learn from it and preventing the same thing from happening again is the best course for me. i can't do the christian way of forgiving and forgetting. i simply cannot.
time may heal a lot of wounds, but wounds will always carry some scars. while these may seem ugly, it only shows how many times i've given myself the chance to trust. and even if it was completely broken, i know i've let myself heal.
one step down, and a lot more to go. but hey, it's a start. congratulations and a heartfelt salute to you, a.R. it took you less than a year this time. you're growing up. :)
***special thanks to you, cza. that conversation sure meant a lot to me.
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